Colo(u)rs

最近看完了一本小说。毫无曲折的故事，很简单， 很平淡。看完了，看了一些书评。以下从其中看到的。

20岁，终结了1字打头的少年，还徘徊在青年大道的路口，说不茫然的人要不是没有细致思考过，就是抱定了怎样执着的理想。在未来将定未定，对未来将知未知的时候，说茫然也许都不够，应该是恐惧吧，恐惧自己止于此，恐惧自己堕于平凡，恐惧自己的心有不甘却安于现实，恐惧自己的单纯终究散于人间红尘，恐惧自己如果忠于自己漠视权威就可能踽踽独行，恐惧自己俯首规则低眉现状就可能行尸阳间，恐惧自己找不到那个既适合自己又能平衡内外的点。

正正的到出了这几个月的迷茫。可惜还是没有找到出口。还在摸索着，画出地图。

I'm reading the news and came upon the term "commodification of childhood" recently. It was how parents are spending increasing sums of money to build a kid's childhood. Lavish birthday parties, sports and the like. I think this is only for an American childhood. When I see the term I think of rampant tuitions and the typically multi-art lessons that Asian parents prize. It got me thinking of my childhood.

A quarter century into this world, childhood is far enough that it seems but a distant dream. I've never been a person to remember events well. When we have gatherings and such, I was never the one to remember "This thing happened and so and so did this and such a thing occured". I'll be the one sitting silently envisioning the past by listening to everyone's recollections. It makes for some awkward situation. Once L said "I remember you guy used to hate me". "Really?". "Yeah, because I used to study too much". "I thought I was always the one who studied too much". "No this was way in the beginning". Long long long pause. "I think I kinda have some recollections of it". I digress. I don't recollect much of junior college or secondary school or *gasp* primary school. I couldn't even remember what junior college graduation was like. Or the prom. Or the many birthday celebrations we did. I couldn't remember what I did in secondary school or why I left. And primary school? I can't even remember most of the people. 

Somehow despite my bad memory of everything else in the past, I do pretty clearly remember the playground I used to go to as a kid. 2 blocks from my house. With a jungle gym. Which I was too afraid to climb as a kid and will run away because I was too ashamed to say I'm afraid of heights (I learned a trick to deal with it growing up and able to now deal with crazy roller costers!). With huge pieces of rock that we were proud of when we could finally climb on top of them. I can't remember what we did there though I remembered seeing my first ever lady bird there. With a stray dog which I can't remember the name off but it was female and had yellow fur. And all the kids around the area took care of. Of learning to ride a bike there. It was fun times. I haven't visited the playground for years and years and all through high school and junior college. I visited it again one time during college. The jungly gym which I remembered was as tall as 2 stories high was much shorter in reality. The rocks that was so hard to climb I is only as tall as me. 

So all in all I guess my childhood is suitable for fluffy cloud borders with sunshine.

I'm almost 9 months into working life. Three quarters of a year. In the first quarter, my doubts were sown. In the second quarter, I was in despair but taught to hope. In the third quarter, I've lost my way. 

9 months to realize I've lost. I've lost to reality. 9 months to grind my ambitions to dust. Should I continue muddling through this swamp as life? But what do I want to do?

Life is defined by numbers. In living, what you do and when you do is defined by numbers. Stages in life are differentiated by a number. What you're allowed to do and what you're expected to do is dependent on the age you're at relative to the numbers. At death, you're remembered by numbers. Die young what a waste. Die old what a life!

Your live is evaluated by numbers. As a toddler, you're praised by the number you walk and talk. As you're growing up, you're praised by the number of As you get. The number of awards you get. The number you're assigned in your rankings. Smart or dumb. To be praised or condemned. All is dependent on the numbers you get.

When you graduate into society, you're another number. Are you the 1% or the 99%? Are you the 0.01% or the 1%? As the 99% majority you're a replaceable interchangeable number to get things done by the 1%. As the 1% you're a replaceable interchangeable number to get things done by the 1%. The limit is defined by the number of significance you give.

Life is a number. You're seen and defined as a number.

How much should you bend before you break? They say to pick your battles. But how much do you concede before you lose everything?

To be 宁为玉碎不为瓦全 or to be 能屈能伸? If you live by a jade, how much pressure should you take before you break? If you live by  elasticity, how much deformation should you take before you lose your original state? 

累。不管怎么睡还是累。是心累而身累?

爱不应该是束缚，相遇前，我们彼此都是孤独飞翔着的乌，两个人在一起后，不是让对方慢下速度，或者落下来陪你，而是应该仿若传说中的比翼鸟，牵引着让彼此飞得更高，陪伴着对。

－－大漠谣

2011 was a year of turning points and circles and U-turns.

I left the protective cocoon known as school. Learned that working life is different from what I thought I've been preparing for all my life. When you're smack with it you're still playing it by the ear. I'm still learning to not take things as personally and get so worked up. And all those Dilbert comics? There are a grain of truth to it.

I left the default community school provides. Its a year of loosened bonds. And growing up and living alone. I think I'm starting to get used to it.

It was a time of doubt. Where you question what you believed in for so long. A time of feeling lost and no where to turn. I think I've decided on the path I'll continue on.

Bring it on 2012!

Two roads diverged in a foreign wood,
Anxious I do not know either
A lonely traveler, long I stood
And looked down as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth

And took the other, less hidden path,
And having perhaps the early morning sun
Because it was grassy and fresh
Though with the moving light
I see the other, brightened path
Had similar winding roads

And both that day equally lay
In grass different yet the same
Oh, off I go with my eyes close!
Yet knowing how way leads to circles
And knowing how circle leads to way
I might just end up the same

I shall be reminiscing with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
did not turn back
I took the first step forward
And that has made all the difference
For boldness has magic, power & genius in it.

Adapted from The Road Not Taken with sprinkles of Goethe?

Day after day
Another fairy tale gone

No more superman
No more princess
No more Doraemon
No more ghosts
No more grown ups
No more first love.

Once upon a time, naivety rules.
True until proven guilty
To believe nor doubt
Everything is for the better never worse
Everything is possible nothing is impossible

Everything is impossible and nothing is possible
Everything is worst never getting better
To doubt without believing
Guilty and never proven otherwise
Now, a cynic rules.

I want to believe in fairy tales again.